Every time I think I have accepted, no come to terms with my multiple sclerosis diagnosis, the doctor appointments, the constant health concerns and all of this something happens that sends me more over the edge. Something small and seemingly stupid but makes me sob. Why must I continuously get kicked when I am down?
Here’s my drama that seems so much worse than it probably needs to be. I am due for another hair analysis since it has been six months since my last one. I went in today to have the sample taken because I made a hair appointment for Thursday (I planned on doing the ‘do pretty short). She cut my hair so short for the hair sample! It’s like stubby, brillo pad back there. Of course, with hair over it one can’t tell but she knew I was getting my hair cut short and she still cut a noticeable chunk of it out! WHY?! It wasn’t like that the last time I got a sample taken at all. I was looking so forward to my hair cut-I have not been having a great time with life right now and wanted a bit of a change and confidence boost that comes with a cute style. I wanted to do something nice for me that didn’t involve stuffing my face, crying or complaining to Mr. H.
This past week hasn’t been so great and this just adds to the pile. I have been trying to get an appointment with a specialist for 3 months now with no luck. She keeps pushing back new appointments weeks at a time. Ridiculous. Do I want a doctor I can’t even see?! Is someone or something telling me this isn’t the best plan or should I keep pursuing this doctor? Another chip on my shoulder towards doctors and the medical community in general. Like I needed more chips, it’s more like an iceberg perched up there.
I have a dentist appointment next week, a new doctor to see (another chiropractor) this Friday and an appointment with my primary care physician next week. When did my life become about juggling life and doctor’s appointments. I am 28 years old!
How can I trust doctors when my experience has not been positive? How can I tell myself the doctors are looking out for me when clearly they have not been? How can I trust my body and listen to what it needs when it can’t even distinguish between a protein it doesn’t like and it’s own brain?
How can I care about taking care of myself when I don’t like myself?
How can I hope for the future when today sucks so bad?