Viscious Vixen

Children & Stupid People

Children and stupid people.

They seem to go together. One I want, the other needs to take a dive into shallow tepid water.

Having recently acquired a little spawn of my own, I have noticed how children bring out only the best tidbits of information and comments of the people around. Their stupidity never ceases to amaze. :rolls eyes: That (along with the whole looking like a humpback whale, peeing when laughing and discussing the state of my cervix being a conversation starter for others about me) is keeping us from attaining another one. Unfortunately, due to sleep-deprivation and the need for adult conversation, most of these people are saved a punch in the face that they so rightfully deserve.

Not saved here though!

Yes of course I want to hear your disgusting birth story complete with the status of your cervix every gory step of the way. Please charm me with your knowledge of parenting, because you kids have turned out so well (as they run around the room acting the fool, no doubt who the parent is of that one!).Oh the delight found in the “data” you provide on the development of my child, usually involving the little being falling short of expectations-”the little dear isn’t sleeping through the night, maybe you should try….” Maybe one should try a karate chop to your ugly melon and see if that puts you out for the night! Or informing me that the child does not see me and only smiles because of gas. I am only smiling at you right now because I am thinking of what this world would be like without you in it.

You should use your mouth for putting stuff into, not allowing things to come out of it.

So, what IS ok to do or say around the recently turned parent?

The basics:

1. To say: You are great, Your child is great, Have a nice day!

Then leave my space.


But you say, “I am so excited I have to say more!”

Fine. Be sure to read the notes near the *.

Appropriate comments:

“You look beautiful, your child is beautiful.” *

* However, if you yourself are a toad, your judgement on what is or isn’t beautiful is completely irrelevant, so best to smile and keep walking.

Appropriate time to stop by:


**But only if your are bringing a bottle of red wine and chocolate. Delivered to the front door in a cooler. Text me about the delivery when you have arrived back at your home. I appreciate it, but don’t expect a thank you card.

If you continue to speak to me, one of the first things this child will be taught is how to throw up on anyone who is not me. I hope you like the smell, thought and look of spewed boob milk. Yummy!

If you see me out and about with my little offspring, keep walking. The thought brings a smile to my face.

My little spawn and I will let you live for another day.


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