Here I am again. Day 4 of a blank page, a computer, fingers typing and 1,000 words to get down. Hmmm. Halloween. Favorite holidays. The people who have influenced me. The day of family fun and firsts we have had so far. The beautiful changing season and leaves falling in the blowing wind. The sunshine through the windows in the kitchen. The deep breathing of children’ sleeping down the hall. Wind chimes dancing to the breeze. The power of accessories on a body, a spirit, a home. Spaciousness. Changing. I wonder who I am. Now. Four years ago the two little boys whom mean more than anything to me, didn’t even exist. Had no idea I would ever be a mother. The desire had been removed from me from life’s disappointments, let downs and assumptions/expectations. I thought becoming a mother was a default, a “well if there is nothing else to do I guess I will have kids.” I wanted to be a flight attendant, a veterinarian or a mother when I was growing up. I rocked babies to sleep in a cradle with my hair in curlers and a book to read to them in my lap. I thoroughly enjoyed babysitting-planning fun activities for the kids and I to do, silly stories told and fun had. I hated disciplining, the only part that really bothered me. The tears. The fits. The trying to keep them safe. I loved running around with them, tag, hide and seek, drawing, coloring, telling tales and laughing. What fun. I wanted to run my own in-home day care. Surrounded by little knees and ears. Planning all the fun, meals and learning. Then I don’t really know what happened. I didn’t want a family. I didn’t want a husband. I didn’t want to have other people to take care of anymore. I went to college, I pursued various vocations and/or degree. I joined the military with aspirations to be a nurse. I met Mr. B just before I was due to leave for Basic Training. The boy with the safe shoes and shirt in a club. Holding my drink so I could dance without spilling it on anyone. The boy I thought I should at least share a dance with since he had been so nice for holding my Smirnoff Ice. This white boy had rhythm! He could move one the dance floor. He had nice elbows. He treated me with respect. No humping my leg on the dance floor. The end of the night he asked my name. I told him Charity and he thought I was lying. I gave him my number after he requested it and knew he would never call. My roommate and best friend knew better and bet me he would call and if he did I would buy her dinner. She ate for free one evening. On me. He called. I talked his ear off. He later told me he was overwhelmed by all my words to he just listened. I thought he was the most respectful male I had ever met. He was nice, he listened, he called me. He wanted to to the fun things I wanted to-Botanical Gardens, the Zoo, the bookstore and whatever other idea I had. He showed up. He laughed at my jokes. He kissed me in the Denny’s parking lot after what seemed like forever. I thought it was all for fun. He knew better. I left for Basic. He wrote. He visited me with a dolphin ring and a declaration of his intentions. Marriage. I backed away. I cried. Why here. Why now. Why in this dreadful uniform. He waited. I came back home earlier than planned. For Christmas. I worked nights in the ER and planned a pet-sitting business in my other time. I almost passed out multiple times from the sight of blood. I questioned my ability to even be a nurse. He gave me a beautiful ring Back home in my Unit I was disappointed and disenchanted by my fellow Airmen. I wondered what to do next. I started a pet sitting business. I dated. I moved in with my brother. He waited. I met him at the Arch, on our bench. I cried from the troubles of my new business, out of confusion & frustration. He listened. I wasn’t sure why I had gone to meet him. Wasn’t sure what I wanted. Didn’t know if I wanted to be with him. I didn’t want to spend my life wondering, what if. He waited. The test turned up positive. I asked him to marry me. He said yes. We made plans and a wedding date was set just a few months away. I was excited and scared and angry and in love. The new life inside me stopped growing. The baby drifted away. A natural miscarriage. Absorbed by my body. I was (and still can feel) sad from the loss. A tiny flicker of hope was just blown out. I went through on the wedding, the marriage because I didn’t want to go back on my word. I said I would do it and so I did. We married in the fall under a warm sunny day. My dress was dark, rich purple and my flip-flops had a multicolor pompom on each one. I walked to the park where we said our own vows and I do. Bubbles floated around us. He looked so strong and serious in his suit. Like James Bond. Blonde, blue-eyed and sexy. He ‘kissed the bride’ and I felt like I was tipping over, into him. I felt very uncomfortable and uncertain on my wedding day. I hated being the center of attention. I felt awkward and alone somehow. I strengthened my resolved (and went back on my original birth control) and said no to the kid thing. I was not going to be a slave to someone else. I was not going to be dependent on a man. I was going to do whatever I wanted with no accountability. No person to answer to. No one to stand in my way. No one weighing me down. I thought no children equaled freedom. He waited. He stayed.